Juliana: I'm upset with my best friend.
JB: Why is that?
Juliana: I warned her about her new boyfriend. She didn't listen to me.
JB: What happened?
Juliana: I gave her $1,000 for her birthday. I told her to spend it on herself.
JB: That was very nice of you.
Juliana: I found out that she gave it to her new boyfriend.
JB: Why did she do that?
Juliana: He said he would buy her a nice ring.
JB: What's wrong with that?
Juliana: He went to Las Vegas. He lost it all gambling.
JB: I hope your best friend broke up with him
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Anna: Do animals talk to each other?
JB: Of course they talk to each other.
Anna: What do they talk about?
JB: They talk about other animals.
Anna: What else do they talk about?
JB: They talk about food and the weather.
Anna: Do they talk about us?
JB: Of course they talk about us.
Anna: What do they say about us?
JB: They say that we are funny-looking.
Anna: Ha! We're not funny-looking; animals are funny-looking.
JB: We're funny-looking because we wear clothes.
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Sister: I have to clean the house.
Brother: Yes, it's very dirty.
Sister: You can help me.
Brother: Why me?
Sister: Because you helped make it dirty and mom is working.
Brother: Alright. What do you want me to do?
Sister: I want you to clean the bathroom.
Brother: Oh, that's a piece of cake ! Really easy.
Sister: Clean the sink, the tub, the counter, and the toilet.
Brother: Oh my Gosh! That's a lot of work.
Sister: Tell me when you finish.
Brother: What about you? What are you gonna do?
Sister: Me? Nothing at all.
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Mom: You're watching too much TV.
Kid: What do you mean?
Mom: I mean you're wasting your life.
Kid: It's Sunday and I'm only having fun.
Mom: You're sitting there with your mouth open.
Kid: Who cares?
Mom: I care. Do something.
Kid: Okay. I did something.
Mom: What did you do?
Kid: I turned up the volume.
Mom: That's not what I meant by "do something."
Kid: Will you do something? Leave me alone.
Mom: Ok. I will leave you alone. Next vacation you won't go to Disney with us.
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A: Did you write a letter to grandma?
B: Yes, I did.
A: Did you tell her about school?
B: I told her that school is fun.
A: Did you put the letter in an envelope?
B: Yes, and I sealed the envelope.
A: Did you put a stamp on the envelope?
B: I couldn't find any stamps.
A: They're in the kitchen drawer.
B: Okay. I just put a stamp on the envelope.
A: Give me the envelope, and I'll mail it for you.
B: When is grandma going to learn about e-mail?
B: I'm sleepy.
A: Why don't you go to bed?
B: I want to watch this TV show.
A: Maybe you should record it.
B: The tape recorder is broken.
A: Then you should watch the rerun.
B: Why? I'm watching the original.
A: But you'll be asleep in about one minute.
B: I'm just yawning because the commercials are on.
A: Okay. I'll tell you how the show ends.
B: Zzz.
B: So?
A: You know what that means.
B: I forgot.
A: Sunday means we go to church with your grandma.
B: Oh, yeah. I promised her.
A: Put on a coat and tie.
B: Why? I'm not going to marry.
A: To show respect to God and others.
B: I'm glad my promise was just on this sunday.
A: I hope God didn't hear that.
B: He'll forgive me.
B: I'll do that in a minute.
A: She is barking. She's hungry.
B: Okay. I'll feed her right now.
A: You shouldn't make her wait.
B: I was pleasing my online customers.
A: The dog doesn't care about your business.
B: Actually she doesn't care about anything.
A: That's the way dogs are.
B: All they think about is themselves.
A: Maybe we should get rid of her. What about giving her away for adoption?
B: Of course not! She's family.
B: Me too.
A: I just cut myself again.
B: Did you use a new blade?
A: It doesn't matter. Old blades cut, new blades cut.
B: Maybe you should use an electric shaver.
A: They make a lot of noise, but they don't give a close shave.
B: Maybe you should stop shaving.
A: And grow a beard?
B: Sure. Why not?
A: Because food and other stuff sticks in my beard.
B: Hmm. Here's an idea. Put cream on your face and have the cat lick it off.
B: Yes?
A: Are you reading this paper?
B: Oh, no. Help yourself.
A: I asked because the paper is sitting next to you.
B: Thank you. That's polite of you to ask.
A: Some people would just pick it up.
B: Yes, I know. Some people are rude.
A: I always try to be polite.
B: So do I.
A: The world needs more polite people like us.
B: I agree 100 percent.
B: Let me think about it.
A: Why do you have to think about it?
B: Because a puppy costs money.
A: No, it doesn't. Puppies are free.
B: Yes, but a puppy needs shots.
A: Shots for what?
B: So it won't get sick. Just like you get shots.
A: I hate shots.
B: And a puppy eats food. Food costs money.
A: No problem. I'll give him food off my plate.
B: Oh, no you don't. Puppies don't eat vegetables.
B: How many are there?
A: Eight.
B: They're all so cute.
A: Yes, but I can't keep them.
B: What are you going to do with them?
A: I'm going to give them away. Do you want one?
B: Yes, I would love one.
A: Which one do you want?
B: That one. The one that's all black.
A: Yes, I like that one, too.
B: I'll call him Blacky.
B: They trust in God.
A: They hope they will go to heaven.
B: They probably will.
A: But no one knows for sure.
B: That's for sure.
A: No one knows what happens after we die.
B: If we are good, we will be happy in heaven with God.
A: That's what many people believe.
B: If we are bad, we will be unhappy forever in hell.
A: I don't want to go to hell.
B: Let's go to church with your parents on Sunday.
A: My husband died.
B: I'm sorry for you. A: Thank you. B: When did he die? A: A couple of months ago. B: You still miss him. A: Yes, but I talk to him almost every day. B: When you go to church? A: No, when I call him on his cell phone. B: What do you mean? A: I buried him with his cell phone. B: What will you do when the battery dies?
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A: Today is Friday the thirteenth.
B: That's a bad day. A: It's supposed to be unlucky. B: You're supposed to stay home all day. A: That's what I do. B: My friend stayed in a hotel on Friday the thirteenth. A: That was a mistake. B: He stayed on the thirteenth floor. A: What happened? B: Someone stole his laptop. A: He was asking for it. B: He learned his lesson. He's home today.
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A: Do you really love me?
B: Of course. A: Prove it. B: How can I prove it? A: Take me to dinner. B: That's it? That's all I have to do? A: Take me to a nice restaurant, not to McDonald's. B: But a nice restaurant costs money. A: Yes, and you have to make a reservation. B: That's such a hassle. A: I knew you didn't love me. B: Okay, okay! I'll make a reservation right now.
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